What is this stuff?
On 18 Jan 2006 11:54:31 -0800, ibshambat2004@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
spewed:
>"This may very well be it," he thought, as he kept doing martial arts
>moves. Truly this was a fitting conclusion. Just a month ago, she had
>gotten him to completely quit smoking, after he had smoked a pack a day
>
>for over a year. And now there was a return favor to be done.
>
>He had been scrubbing the floor at part-time job #1, and the owner told
>
>him that he was scrubbing like a girl. He was thinking about how he had
>
>done so much inner work to not be affected by labels and was almost
>completely unfazed by this insult, in the same way as he had succeeded
>some time before in being unfazed by people telling him that he did not
>
>understand the real world, and how he was becoming almost immune to the
>
>truly nasty stuff being said to him and about him. Then owner says that
>
>lady would not love him if he was not acting like a man. Oh really he
>felt his shout inside as he started scrubbing like a maniac. Is this
>what you wanted to see?
>
>The rage kept growing the more he was in tune with the situation. He
>had taken to punching brick walls with his fists and running barefoot
>on the snow. He had put out cigars on his skin, and he was forcing
>himself to hold his palm on a burning stove or put his finger in
>burning oil. "If I get killed and I go to hell I better be ready" he
>thought.
>
>Not that of course that was his plan; it was merely a contingency.
>"Hope for the best but prepare for the worst." Better still: Anticipate
>
>in one's consciousness wrong that can happen and deal with it there, so
>
>that it did not faze him if it were to happen in real world. He had no
>plans of any kind of violence, to himself or anyone else. But if
>violence were to erupt, it better was to be prepared.
>
>For him it really was the choice as to what was right. Most people,
>when told of hellfire, would see it as threat to themselves and try to
>mold their ways so that they don't go there. But his response to the
>issue was different. "If there is a place such as hell," he thought,
>"and people are thrown there for not following their religion, then
>maybe there be people there who need my help." He thought of his
>deceased grandfather, a kindly man who was a Jewish atheist. He thought
>
>also of Janice and Michele. He thought and said previously at many
>occasions that he did not believe hellfire to be an appropriate
>punishment for any earthly transgression. He thought there may likewise
>
>be people needing his help in other places in which people were thrown:
>
>Jails; labor camps; marital and family situations that are as bad as or
>
>worse still than the preceding. So he made it his project of training
>himself to be immune to fear, so that he would be able to go to such
>places physically or spiritually and relieving the suffering of those
>there.
>
>The energy of this woman was very strong and also in lots of stress and
>
>pain, and he made it his project not only to be her empath but also to
>help her through what was going on at the time. He had written 15 poems
>
>in two weeks and was stretched out taut in his nerves. He made a
>determination also to be unconditionally accepting and generous and
>giving, even if she were to wrong him in any way.
>
>The previous situations he had seen had complex effect on him, but this
>
>one simply was making him furious. He had never - at least never
>consciously - felt such anger before. Maybe my anger was unconscious,
>he thought, spreading like poison gas and going out sideways. But now
>it was here, palpable, powerful, passionate, and absolutely precise.
>
>Julia's story had put him in a state of existential anguish. He
>thought that a world where such things took place was awful, and he
>internalized her pain. But here was something else. This was something
>unknown: EXISTENTIAL FURY. It was not just a matter of "how can such
>things happen," it was the matter of HOW DARE SUCH THINGS HAPPEN. And
>that was a more, one would suppose, manly response to the situation.
>
>She came from French North Africa. A place that produces magnificent
>women and hideous men who beat them. She was tender, warm, beautiful,
>honest, strong-willed and self-demanding, and she had an adorable one
>and a half year old son who loved exploring things and had obvious
>talent and intellect. He tried understanding what happened to her and
>then figured out the problem: that when a woman has such tremendous
>qualities and strengths the traditional man feels threatened and tries
>to destroy her. The same, he found out, also works often in other
>situations, in different methods, with both women and men. But the
>result in all cases is a screaming injustice - injustice that gets
>perpetuated through one or another manipulation and thus systematized.
>A double-punch to the heart that leaves one dead: First allowing the
>wrong and then claiming that one is either ruined by having the wrong
>done or that one has somehow brought it about or any one of a million
>other detestable lies designed to keep people from seeing the truth and
>
>acting upon it. Not acted upon, the injustice becomes reified, and
>morals and attitudes are made to justify it. Cowardice feeds into
>callousness and then creates fallacies to justify evil.
>
>At which point the state of affairs becomes that of consistent,
>perpetuating injustice. Injustice that needs to blind people in order
>to continue its hideous ways. The result of which is destruction of
>insight and passion and sensitivity: All things that see into the core
>of injustice and that, in order to perpetuate systemic injustice, are
>suffocated and destroyed.
>
>All of which had taken place and became systematized in the covenants
>he had examined.
>
>THe clock was giving interesting numbers. The stories of Keats and
>Gatsby flashed through his head. "Could I have it this way" - "You got
>it this way."
>
>The existential fury was pointed and passionate, and he was one with
>it.
--
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