Without apologies, this post refers to Jesus Christ and God by a former
angster
**Be warned** therefore
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So for three years you thought you were this great evil in the world?"
"everytime you had a cigarette it was a holocaust and it burned other
people?"
'and you thought people could hear your thoughts?"
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For the past three years I have descended into a very great hell.
You know I never knew why Christianity in particular had that sin and hell
emphasis in it. None of the others did, they talked about the many
aspects
of God and poke of transcending and much of it was behavior based. If you
behave well and think kindly of other people and be kind, more
or less all will be well.
This of course was the Westerner's comprehension of Eastern and other
religions, perhaps it isn't as we understand it.
For example, Ghandi may be quoted as referring to truth as a tyrant.
But to my mind they never really had anything which would allow the
individual to come face to face with his or her truly fallen position.
They were doing the good and right things and therefore they did not need
forgiveness as is suggested in Christianity.
I never understood that there was such a need until I descended into hell
myself. I don't overstate the case, it was surely hell.
In 2003 I was born again, I say , because I accepted Jesus Christ into my
heart and it was majestic I lived in this world apart from the world, a
kind
of heaven on earth, with Jesus always coaching me on how to do good and do
what He would have me do. It was so beautiful. But how could
I be born again when I did not die?
In 2004 I became baptised saying that I was the blind man, the deaf man,
the
le****, the crippled, the Pharisee, the thief on the cross, the woman at
the
well,
the fallen woman saved by the love of Jesus.
I had no idea of what was to come.
At the time I uttered those words I thought they were the truth , when
really they were prophecy. Even as prophecy they fell short, for I also
became Herod, and Nero and every damned and condemend tyrant in history.
I left my job, because I thought my thoughts were heard by everyone. I
also
thought I was going to die soon. It did not happen, so I took a job where
I
could work at night, as a security guard( so that no one could hear my
thoughts)
Eventually I wanted to work in the day hours and I started by landscaping,
but it was so hard, I noticed that whenever I was in motion my mind was
swearing and
saying the most viscious things, awful horrible things. But eventually I
was able to walk without swearing in my head all of the time. A year
later,
working in the daylight, as a housekeeper, this time I was regarding a new
milestone, I was able to speak three sentences to someone. I was unable
to
really speak for a long time because of this raging, swearinig maniac that
screamed in my head.
I have wierd milestones like that, when I could walk, when I could speak.
I
remember not being able to go to the store. I bathed in my clothes
because
I thought everyone could see me and of course laugh at me. I hung sheets
over my mirrors, because i thought everyone was complaining that they had
to
see my ugly face every day. I could not figure out why 'they' said they
had
no choice and I would not let 'them' see anything (the babes).
I had to stop going to church because I thought they were talking about me
and laughing at me and accusing me. I had a roomate for a time but I
assumed he knew this was happening to me. Tonite, ( he is no longer my
roomate) I will tell him what was happening.
I tried to go back into Bible class , a really good one that I used to
enjoy, but there too I thought a couple of people were talking about me
and
accusing me, and I ended up chanting 'I am Satan' in the bathroom over and
over again. I later got a phone call telling me I was not allowed back in
( for obvious reasons) and was upset. They paid for counselling for me.
Three months later, just this past week I went to see the counsellor.
I was feeling much better, I don't think I could have gone to see her if I
was where I was, but I still have a few more milestones to achieve. She
confronted me with her real world. The real world that is. Today at work
( now a ca****er) I had to keep repeating some of the things she told me.
Not that I did not believe her, but I have three years of a very wicked
and
insane world to overcome. I phoned the Distress Center today as well and
asked her if these things were happening to her, which acording to my
recent
world would have been happening.
She asked me how I could live like this. I was in tears of joy, so happy
that none of it happened really. She gave me a number to see another
counsellor today and I did and I was worried when I told her this stuff
that
she would hospitalize me or give me drugs and she didn't but she let me
talk
and utter these maddening thoughts and deconstruct this crazy world I have
been living in for three years.
It was wierd trying to explain this. The bible passages seemed to
reinforce
this delusion I have been in, and I sometimes wonder....
.....is it deliberate?
Does it ( the bible) take you to hell and back? Show a person really how
fallen they are?
Its not that I read about that fallen woman and feel for her or condemn
her
or even acknowledge some aspects of her in myself.
It is truly, I am her and helpless to do anything about it at all.
It is, that I am Herod and Nero and truly helpless to do anything about
it.
I was getting better, and began to get better pretty much after I admitted
'I was Satan' and every horrible thing every horrible attribute that went
with it, over and over again, in solemn conviction of it.
I guess maybe I was fighting with God, and wouldn't admit that I was as
bad
as this delusion showed me I was.
So after that, I began reading postive thinking books etc and they have
been
really helpful. I am going to go back to the profession I left. God
willing, I will be ok.
I was admittedly , envious of people who were able to move someplace and
start again. For me it was not possible, there was no place I could move
no
place I could go where people would not know I was evil to the core. I
could never do enough good in my lifetime or maybe many lifetimes to undo
this damage.Wow.
Soon, maybe I will be able to read the Bible again, I hope...but wow how
do
I read it after I have been all of those bad characters in it?
As I talked to the doctor today I said 'I think it is over' and that it
was
ike being Ebenezer Scrooge seeing the Ghost of the past present and future
and then some and being really grateful honestly for the sanity, the
health,
the wealth I had, the city I lived in, the country I lived in, the
op****tunities. I wondered, as I spoke to her, if this was something that a
Christian was supposed to go through, even as I refer to the bible
passages, it reinforces that point of view. ( ie-Revelations)
I died to myself quite literally when I said 'I am Satan' and I was
working
in a funeral home at the tme, heheh. Seriously I did die to myself.
I wept and wanted to hide whenever I talked to someone from my pre-evil
life. It was hard to see old friends, always very painful.
For so long I was so hurt by God for thinking of what He had done to me,
was
doing to me ( this delusion that I thought was actually real) and why
didn't He do that to anyone else? ( I could at least make out that He was
not doing it to anyone else)
I was 'normal'. Ordinary. Even getting into God's word in a big
fantastic
way, and volunteering, going to church twice even three times a week and I
liked my job and my friends at work. Its funny, these counsellors try to
find some cause, parental, work etc. Dead ends all of them. That was part
of why I was mad at God, I was so small and ordinary and tiny and
thinking
I was so called nice and good and in my delusion I found myself to be big
evil tyrant.
Sinner, oh yes. Yes indeed. Needing Jesus? Yes indeed!
I have no further pretences.
I can't decide which is the bigger miracle---the crazy world that I lived
in
for three years or the idea that it never happened. For me, redemption, a
second chance, is the idea that it never happened.
If the delusion held, I would be full of whys that I got too tired of
asking. Now it seems I am asking what now Lord?
What on earth do I do with this second chance.?
Still, and I write this only because I know He will hear me. I don't know,
I
honestly don't know Lord if I would tell people to seek Jesus, because I
know that You will lead them eventually to know why You died on the cross
for them and that is hard wisdom to live with. Help me live with it Lord,
help me live with that wisdom Lord Jesus.
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