Q: How did Germany defeat France in WW2?
A: The Germans marched in backwards and the French thought they were
leaving.
"Kevin" <Kevin@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote in message
news:6ZU3i.1947$wH4.548@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> Some more detail on French involvement wars.
>
>
>
> We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
> Last update: May 4, 2005.
>
> - Gallic Wars
> - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
> history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths
time
> in history, a Roman -ed.]
>
> - Hundred Years War
> - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently
> creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious
> only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
>
> - Italian Wars
> - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars
> when fighting Italians.
>
> - Wars of Religion
> - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
>
> - Thirty Years War
> - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded
> anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants
> started ignoring her.
>
> - War of Revolution
> - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
>
> - The Dutch War
> - Tied
>
> - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
> - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
> Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
> military power.
>
> - War of the Spanish Succession
> - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a
Marlborough,
> which they have loved every since.
>
> - American Revolution
> - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France
> claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This
> is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of
> French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."
>
> - French Revolution
> - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
>
> - The Napoleonic Wars
> - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to
leadership
> of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear
> designer.
>
> - The Franco-Prussian War
> - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly
> girl home alone on a Saturday night.
>
> - World War I
> - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States
> [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what
it's
> like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
> "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls
> any improvement in the French bloodline.
>
> - World War II
> - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain
just
> as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
>
> - War in Indochina
> - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien
Flu
>
> - Algerian Rebellion
> - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic
> Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim
> Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the
> First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
> Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
>
> - War on Terrorism
> - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
> Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador
> fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
>
> The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
> not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
> collapses?"
>
> "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
> accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
>
> Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal:
> "They're there when they need you."
>
>
>
> With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided
the
> following losses:
>
> Norse invasions, 841-911.
> After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are
bribed
> by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them
Normandy
> in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only
> positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.
>
> Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:
>
> 1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the
> Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until
> the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights
Harold
> for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to
William
> but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and
the
> French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the
> largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman
> Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start
> England to become a major world Power Vive La France-
>
> Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:
>
> Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip
> the First (1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman
> invasion of 1066 - William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally,
> directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to
> France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade
England,
> the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part
of
> France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's
> coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the
> French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was
> going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to
the
> Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever
-
> claim someone else's".
>
> Mexico, 1863-1864.
> France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its
> thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma").
> Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French
> Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out
> of the country a little over a year after arrival.
>
> Panama jungles 1881-1890.
> No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually
built
> by the U.S. 1904-1914.
>
> Napoleonic Wars.
> Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of
> non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and
> anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the
French
> on many occasions.
>
> Haiti, 1791-1804.
> French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow
> fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an
ally.
>
> India, 1673-1813.
> British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore
> the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine
> (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.
>
> Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
> Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in
> Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's
> solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first
> overseas victories, won 1801-1815.
>
> 1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
> French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S.
fights
> France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for
next
> 200 years of Franco-American relations.
>
> Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
> Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile
> land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes
until
> the modern day.
>
> French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too,
> just to be fair):
>
> 1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
> When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response
was
> "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when
> fighting unarmed men, women and children.
>
> St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
> Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
>
> Third Crusade.
> Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard
> the Lion Heart to finish.
>
> Seventh Crusade.
> St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.
>
> [Eighth] Crusade.
> St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
>
> Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot
> line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans
> would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been
> breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering
through
> Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.).
French
> ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.
>
> Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:
>
> Seven year War 1756-1763
> Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep,
the
> Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder
of
> the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some
> Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and
> India (Clive at Plassey).
>
> Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:
>
> The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in
1962-63,
> after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially
> consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the
> unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This
> ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their
> lives in this shoddy affair.
>
>
>
>
|
