Chinese Minister of Culture Sun Jiazheng has submitted to the
International Olympic Committee (IOC) a list of cultural no-no's for
visiting athletes and others during the Games in Beijing:
* Do not make fun of Chinks' split pants; they are an age-old
custom
of peasants who have no access to indoor or outdoor toilets.
* Do not attempt to kick, nudge or push with a (long) stick a
Chinese person who is squatting in a street to execute (take) a poo-
poo or pee-pee.
* Do not ask a Chinese to remove his buck teeth for comical
purposes.
* Do not ask a Chinaperson what is the brown stain in the crotch
area
of his or her trousers.
* Do not ask a Chinee how many girl new-borns he/she has drowned.
* Do not tell a Chinee that the color of Beijing air reminds you of
a gas station toilet bowl.
* Do not refuse a Chinee child "solicitor's" request for money for
sexual favors.
* Do not publicly refer to Chinese President Hu Jintao as an
asshole, a dick, a fuckhead, or similar name(s).
* Do not make fun of Chinee way of trying to pronounce English
words
containing F, J, L, Q, R, V, W or Y sounds.
* Do not ask a Chinee to say, "I have split pants and slant eyes."
* Do not ask a Chinee if he would have licked Mao's anus for free,
or what he/she would have charged to do so.
* Do not say in public, "This food smells worse than these people!"
* Do not try to fool a Chinee into eating a bowl of dog excrement
by
telling him/her that it's really American beef stew.
* Do not tell a Chinee that his grandfather is much more ugly than
he/she is.
* Do not bring your gas mask to the Olympic stadium.
* Do not let Chinee athletes see your container of insect
repellent.
* Do not, if you're a guy, have forced coitus on the street doggie-
style
with a woman wearing split pants.
* Do not ask the waiter what breeds of dog are on the menu.
* Do not ask the waiter in a Chinee restaurant to wash down your
booth with rubbing alcohol before seating you and your party.
* Do not, if you're a guy, allow your penis to dangle idly from
your
pants in public to shame the Chinee people.
* Do not ask a Chinee athlete if he has a little virgin sister at
home that you might screw or ream with a (small) dildo.
* Do not pick out elderly Chinee on the street to beat up or smack
around.
* Do not dump a bucket of ice water over the top of a toilet stall
where a Chinee is "using the crapper."
* Do not attempt to deposit human excrement into Chinee's coat
pockets while he/she is [ditto above].
* Do not ask shop keepers if they sell Chinee shrunken heads as
souvenirs.
* Do not bind, gag and toss a little Chinee boy into one of your
duffel bags for transport back home as a slave or pet.
* Do not moon Chinee athletes when they mount the winner's stand to
receive medals.
* Do not give the finger to Chinee crowds at the stadium when you
jog onto the field of competition.
* Do not streak naked across the field after you have lost a
competition.
* Do not defecate in the hallways of your dorm before final
checkout.
* Do not " " your bed before final checkout.
* Do not vomit in the clothes hamper before final checkout.
* Do not ask for a tour of Tibet during your stay.
* Do not ask for a tour of China " " " .
* Do not ask for a tour of Beijing " " " .
* Do not ask for more toilet paper during your stay.
* Do not ask where are the sinks, showers, toilets, urinals, soap,
blankets, mattresses, sheets, and bed-bug and deodorant sprays during
your stay.
Sun Jiazheng says, "Have a happy visit to China, and we look foward
to
your next visit, and we hope your plane will be checked out before
our
janitor-pilots attempt to take off! "
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