Dear Diary: Raul Castro
Scott Stinson, National Post
Published: Saturday, April 05, 2008
MONDAY
Hola, Diary. I am writing this week on this new gadget they call a
"computer." Fidel always kept me from having commercial goods, saying he
wanted one of us to be able to relate to the common Cuban, but since I
have decided to relax restrictions on the owner****p of property this
week I thought it was only fair to treat myself. It only cost 800 U.S.
dollars, so if I put every peso of my presidential salary toward it I
should have it paid up by October, 2010. But it is worth it. I have only
had e-mail for an hour or two, and already I have a line on cheap Viagra
and a very interesting investment op****tunity in Nigeria.
TUESDAY
Fidel is cross with me, saying I am starting to unravel his socialist
utopia. I tell Fidel that he is not the boss of me anymore. For so many
years it was "Raul, go fetch some fresh bananas," or "Raul, get a
lighter for my Cohiba," or "Raul, go form a death squad and crush some
dissent." Well, no longer. It is time we threw off the yoke of
oppression and let ourselves join the 21st century! Besides, I quite
like this computer. Hugo Chavez has already asked me to be his friend on
Facebook.
WEDNESDAY
Fidel is not the only one cross with me. Hu Jintao called from Beijing,
saying that it doesn't help things over there when I'm opening up Cuban
society while they are right in the middle of a good old crackdown.
"Look, Hu," I said, "I can appreciate the value of a nice cracking down,
and I'm not saying I won't crush a little dissent of my own sometime
soon, but now just isn't the time for Cuba. The people are a little
fidgety, and the moment I send out the storm troopers the public will be
heading for Miami on anything that floats. And if history is any guide,
on many things that do not float particularly well." Hu seemed to
understand, so he didn't push it too far. Good thing, too. I don't know
how much lecturing I could take from a guy who could barely suppress an
uprising of monks. Monks, I tell you!Hu said to give his best to Fidel.
I told him I would when he's up from his afternoon nap.
THURSDAY
Despite my subtle ****fts within Cuban society, the U.S. will not lift
its trade embargo anytime soon, I think. So I had the tour-ism people in
today to talk about new strategies for making more money. One of the
executives said it was time to focus on attracting more Canadians, since
polls show them to be rather miffed at Mexico these days. He said they
had a new possible slogan: "Come to Cuba:Where the only people who are
wrongfully imprisoned for years are Cubans." Might not fit so good on a
poster, I pointed out. They said they would work on it a little. Later I
had a call from Kim Jong-Il. He said he was concerned about my reforms,
and I said it was no biggie if people could buy the odd television or
computer. "What is computer?" he asked. Guess he will not be Facebook
friend.
FRIDAY
I decided to try out another one of my reforms and stayed last night at
a luxury hotel that used to be foreigners-only. They have little bottles
of shampoo and tiny bars of soap in all the rooms! I swiped some from
the cleaning lady's cart, since I'm a little low on pesos these days.
And then when I went to bed, there was a little chocolate on the pillow!
I tell you, if capitalism is wrong, I do not want to be right!
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