'BUS IN "SURE I SNEER" MISS FIASCO
Traffic entering town from Trinity Street this afternoon
was held up as a 'bus slowed down to let cars turn
right across its path. The 'bus was driving toward
Westgate when cars leaving the town centre turned
and drove across its path. Outraged passengers sat
in silence as the driver slowed the vehicle and brought
it to a halt, despite the traffic light showing green.
One witness said: "It's disgraceful and never would've
happened in the days before privatisation. I know they
tell them to be courteous these days but some of the
cars weren't this year's model and statistics suggest
that some of the drivers must've been young and there
is no saying that none of them had been drinking.
"Really, the driver should've ploughed right into them,
making sure they couldn't get away, and as it was a
quite boring journey overall inflicting a few gratutitous
injuries would've probably entertained some of the
others. The danger they put us in is just inexcusable.
And now there's no excuse at all for anybody to get
their mates to run the other road users down at their
leisure near their homes.
"Just because these other people, I hesitate to call
them 'drivers' as that would suggest they're competent,
have paid their relevant trans****tation taxes doesn't
mean they have any right to use the road.
"Look at it this way, not only did they hold up the
traffic behind the bus but if the lights to the right or
the left of us, where traffic goes past the Technical
College for example, had suffered a blown bulb all of
a sudden, we could've got side swiped.
"If the roads these days are so dangerous and others
are so inconsiderate when I have somewhere to be
then maybe we should have a crane to lift us from the
stop outside the Tech into town.
"Come to think of it we could use the air ambulances.
If someone famous needed them we'd read about it
in time and could pass the cap round and, that way,
we could just get airlifted from the stop on Westborn
Road over the park into the centre, which would be
hand at rush-hour, what with all the cyclists holding
things up.
"I shall have to contact my local councillor about it.
I only hope he's not from one of these regressive
parties that've banned stimulants use, as they might
fall asleep and forget to vote for it.
A spokesperson for the 'bus operator in question said:
"Vendettas of that nature have never really been in any
way associated with the public trans****tation sector in
West York****re and, although what our drivers do in
their own time is basically their own business and we
do employ a lot of them, the working hours directives
and our tachographs tend to ensure they're not prone
to snap malice such as you appear to be condoning.
We run an awful lot of 'buses and collisions really are
very rare. Would you like to see the procedures we
use when such incidents do occur?
Opinion seems to be split still further though: another
of the passengers on the 'bus said "Well, the first car
turned and the rest followed, it really didn't add but two
minutes onto the journey him waiting and I don't see
what the driver did wrong. Everybody getting off in front
of me still thanked him and I really wasn't aware there
was a problem at all.
ID'S!!!! - IDEAS?!?!?!?!?
During an extensive review of the regulations governing
press conduct, the Shorehead Chameleon unearthed a
cache of unused investigate IDs, some of which are as
pointedly humourous as the storylines of "Nuns on the
Run" and "three men in a car".
As a special promotion we're giving them away to people
we like, we've got so little we consider worth investigating.
If you would like an investigative ID of your own, to trick
a friend or loathed one say, then come to us with some
malicious dirt on somone. It works best if they're not
really much of a miscreant as they don't tend to be in
the slightest bit prepared and it can be really really funny
watching them go over the edge. We may act on info'
about real criminals but they tend to be wary and also
operate a "favours network" and we might get hurt if
we picked on people who know what they're doing!
We're also considering a variant of speed dating, which
we're calling speed tricking, whereby we brief someone
else we like, who's successful, say, or whom we want
to impress for some other reason, on who you want us
to trick and, in return, you pull a stunt on someone they
don't particularly like.
Remember, the more malicious the better and the more
tenuous and humiliating the more we pay! We don't need
to be able to run anything in the Chameleon itself, that
might incur liability, but rest assured we have an open
mind on what information you bring to reception as we
can always do an under-the-counter job and function as
private individuals.
So come on! Let's put these vintage IDs to good use
and stir up some dirt on people we don't like the look of!
G DAEB
COPYRIGHT (C) 2006 SIPSTON
--
the wheels on the bus go squish squish squish [...]
the users of the road go "Ow! Ow! OW!"
- "So, is 'dark matter' hypothephora then?"
- "I don't know, but 'squish' and 'ow' are onomatopoeic."
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